Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
You Might Also Like
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”