“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down