I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
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things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.