Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
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Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.