ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
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*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.