ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows