ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
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*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
how high up are we talkin’?
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Poetry is my passion
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.