Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
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Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”