ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
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“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
🤣🤣💀
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
o shit
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat