Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
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I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food