Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
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I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.