Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
You Might Also Like
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Still laughing at this stupid meme
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.