The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I’M CRYINGGG
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
#dnd #ttrpg
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.