Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
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Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I’m listening
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no