Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Duolingo getting serious.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Miscakes
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity