Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
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I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
he’s doing your taxes
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
you will never know the true number of layers
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please