Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
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The Wolf of Wall Street.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Hmm, not sure about this change
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
thanksgiving in nutshell
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed