if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
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Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.