I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
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Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213