Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
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“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?