Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
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[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
What number SPF blocks people?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.