My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
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Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day