Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
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According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
A Short Story.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.