Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
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My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.