[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
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A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.