Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
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Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”