colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
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*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.