I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
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If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
She: I like Cats
He:
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein