Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
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stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
The 4 stages of a family vacation
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.