Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I need to get some bricks…
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Saturday
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?