Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
dam girl
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck