Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”