ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
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Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.