Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Ugh
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.