me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
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[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
wait.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.