me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
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Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Inside you there are two wolves
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.