Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
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[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Driving in Europe vs Canada