My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
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I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
it was love at first sight
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
What even happened today?
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.