ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
You Might Also Like
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.