Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
You Might Also Like
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁