Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I beg your pardon?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.