become ungovernable
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-Balderdash!
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Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home