Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
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Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Lassie, get help!
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”