Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
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(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
figuring out my emotional availability:
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
*orders delivery*
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
For the ones in the back.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter