My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
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Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids