A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe