me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
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*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.