me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
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grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though