Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
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I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Wait a second…
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay