Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
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Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.